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IRS synagogue audit

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.” “Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually saved them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.

So he thought he’d try another question in his obnoxious way, “Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"


“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs. We send them in a box back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send a box of matzo balls.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi.

“What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”

“To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS … And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”

Soon there will be another 87,000 of them.

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Shelia walked into the kitchen to find her husband, Fred, stalking around
with a fly swatter. "And what are we doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh? Killing any?" she asked, with a smirk.

"Yep! Got 4 males, 3 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How the heck can you tell?"

"Simple." He replied, "4 were on a beer can, 3 were on the phone."

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Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound
on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on
runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING
IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful
now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and
take it off."
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

P.S. I didn't see it coming, either…
 

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Corrected it for you.

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