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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
 

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Let's go out to eat...

1. Arrive at restaurant, pull three month old single-use surgical mask out of car's filthy cupholder (still slightly sticky from this morning's 84oz diet Coke).

2. Strap up with three month old single-use surgical mask.

MAGICAL ANTI-GERM BARRIER IS NOW ENGAGED!!!

3. Proceed into restaurant, opening door with same handle grabbed by 200 people so far today.

4. Hostess has immediate seating for your party of three. Walk past entire restaurant of unmasked people. It's ok, they're sitting.

5. Sit down.

SEATED - ANTI-GERM FORCEFIELD IS NOW ENGAGED!!!

6. Safely within your anti-germ forcefield, remove mask. Browse menu while taking relaxed inhales of the same recirculated AC air previously inside the lungs of the 200 people that also grabbed the door handle.

7. Waitress drops off drinks bare handed.

8. Grab drink with your bare hand. Sip leisurely, secure in knowing you're within your anti-germ forcefield of seatedness.

9. Too many drinks. Need to pee. Don the magical anti-germ barrier mask as you leave your anti-germ forcefield of seatedness.

10. Walk past 40 unmasked restaurant patrons. Open bathroom with same door knob grabbed by 100 other people so far today.

11. Return to table past same 40 unmasked restaurant patrons.

12. Remove mask. Once again safe in your anti-germ forcefield of seatedness. Waitress takes your sweaty drink glass with her bare hand, refills, hands back to you. You accept with your bare hand. Grab some bread and eat it. Same hand. Yum Yum.

13. Meal complete. Mask on. Walk past 40 unmasked patrons. Make full body contact with at least 4 people waiting at the hostess stand as you squeeze your way back to the door - no matter, they're all also wearing their magical anti-germ barriers.

14. Grab exit handle, which you are now the 220th person of the day to touch. Eating out successful.

15. Breathe a sigh of relief knowing that even after leaving the protection of your home and venturing out into the scary world of the public, you are essentially sterile thanks to your state approved methods of magical germ mitigation.
 
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